- You like completely predictable plots.
- You want lots of pedestrian details about hair colour and lip shapes described while the main character looks into a mirror.
- You are looking for faux-kinky erotica linked together with quivering lower lips and quirking eyebrows while “dire things” that make no narrative sense happen in order to get the characters into the next bedroom scene.
- You like male protagonists who are damaged beyond repair but can miraculously be saved by the love of a good woman.
- You want main characters who whine endlessly about being the “Chosen One” with extraordinary skills.
- You enjoy the idea that people can gain master-level skills in a couple of days.
- You want cliffhanger endings in a series that could go on for decades, without resolution.
- You like the action to read like a shopping list.
- You enjoy long paragraphs of descriptive prose about mahogany tables in scenes that don’t have anything to do with the plot or the characters.
- You don’t feel that really stupid decisions should have consequences.
- You hate surprises.
Because I. Just. Cannot. Even.